Catching up

Of course, as soon as I settle down to write, Calder comes up to shower and go to sleep.  This happens far too often: I think I can sneak in some blog time, he thinks we should go to bed.  I should have written the blog an hour ago, instead of paging through the New York Times.  Now I'm cranky: why aren't there more hours in the day?  Because I'm seriously lacking in leisure time: I should be able to indulge all my indulgent impulses.  Right?  Right?  (Cue the echoing silence)

Alright, so instead of a coherent post, you get bullet points.  Brace yourself.

• A tiny blog housekeeping matter: I don't know whether to comment on my comments, just answer everyone privately, or ignore whatever conversation occasionally springs up.  I know it appears that I'm ignoring the conversation, but actually I'm trying to figure out where to slot "respond to comments" on the to-do list.  I have unanswered comments going back to Blogspot in December, just lingering along in my inbox.  I'm sure I'll get this thing figured out one of these days.
• The housecleaning of the actual house question freaks me out because I'm the "aw, who cares" partner in the marriage.  For a long time, I tried to resolve our nightly cleaning/bathing conflict by arguing, with greater and lesser degrees of pissiness, that I didn't care one whit if the kitchen were clean, and why couldn't Calder just let it go.  It's a little disturbing to realize that (a) I do care -- in fact, I hate it when Calder travels and the kitchen starts to get cluttered;  (b) I care enough to enjoy the cleanliness spreading to other parts of the house; and (c) I'm soothed even by the thought of clean rooms, even when they're not rooms I enter after the kids fall asleep (i.e., the rooms which will soon be separate bedrooms but which are, for now, playrooms).  These discoveries do not mesh with my self-image.  At all.  Also, there's something wrong when two people both run headlong from their children's bedtime routine, only to pick a broom or a vacuum as their tools of escape.  It's just wrong, on so many levels.
• Re-reading your suggestions for how to save our summer from daily Mommy meltdowns, I'm surprised that no one suggested just popping in a children's DVD every afternoon.  Either you've forgotten that we don't watch TV, you figure I'm not going to be swayed by your arguments in favor of TV, or you don't think TV would give me the release that I need.  I'm struggling considerably more with the TV question, myself.  And I'm touched by all your support.  For what it's worth, from where I stand, at least on the bad days, it feels as if I need more than escapes: I need to mend the cup.  I'm so grateful for your feedback while I figure out how to do that.
• Speaking of which, I thought it was interesting that few folks mentioned mental-health treatment, in particular medication, and that those who did, wrote privately.  Please don't be reticent: if I had a lump in my breast, you'd all speak up loudly in favor of immediate evaluation.  As it happens, I'm a huge advocate for mental health treatment, including the use of medication.  The pathetic provision of mental-health care under the US's current system is a disgrace: there aren't enough providers, and there isn't enough insurance coverage.  I daresay access to acceptable mental-health care is another one of those markers of upper middle class status, in fact.
• Alas, I'm far less enthused to read on the Triplet Connection about the many prescriptions for Paxil et al. written by OB/Gyns.  You didn't see a psychiatrist or licensed therapist for prenatal care; why are you letting your OB/Gyn handle your mental health?  I know: time, access, insurance.  But those are crappy reasons, at least in the abstract.
• While we're at it, what do we think about mental health treatment, anyway?  Paxil and Wellbutrin and Zoloft were designed to correct specific chemical imbalances, not help otherwise healthy people manage stress.  How much of the average mom's stress and anxiety is situational, and how much is medical?  How can we possibly hope to know our own answers to that question, if the only people we consult for guidance are general practitioners?  Does it matter, if the medication helps us get through the day?  Do we agree that "anything that can help me be a better, more patient parent can only be a good thing"?  Does that mean we should all smoke pot, too?  And do our answers to these questions change when we notice that women at home with young children in the fifties got valium from their doctors, while women balancing work and family in the nineties get anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds?
• I need to re-organize my categories.  The current ones aren't working for me, and they're proliferating a little wildly, too.

Comments

[Dawn]

I read a study once that took place in Jamaica. They wanted to see how pot smoking -- isolated from the social issues that often accompany it here in the states -- impacted parenting. They found out that the pot smoking moms enjoyed their children more, felt they had less problems/stress with parenting and all around were better, more patient mothers. A whole new twist on mother's little helper!

[Laura]

I think some of my stress is related to hormonal levels. I see it shifting during the month. I have no idea how to deal with it, but I just recognize that it's happening. Boy, do I know what you mean about wanting more house in a day. And I've only got two relatively self-sufficient older children. I can imagine that it's even more difficult for you to find the hours, to repair the cup.

[Erika]

The medication issue interests me, because at times I wonder if the stress of parenting (unsupported by family/ paid help/ the proverbial village) is the cause of my bouts with anger/ depression. It definitely is alleviated during the times when the kids all hit stages that are running a little more smoothly, and I am getting more (if not enough) sleep. There are so many studies now linking rebound effects to having been on antidepressants (sorry, newborn in the house, too tired to find links) that I am personally hesitant to resort to medication as an assist to what I view as a temporarily challenging situation. I mean, this parenting gig, it's got to get easier at some point, right? :-) If I felt this was truly an ongoing chemical imbalance in my life as opposed to simple burnout and my introvert's need for more time alone than you get with tiny people around, I would be more inclined to bring on the happy pills. Meanwhile, I just keep reminding myself that these early years are precious and fleeting, and with each child I've gotten a little better at enjoying the good moments and surrendering up the difficult ones instead of allowing them to consume me. Faith helps, whatever brand you subscribe to. And having children is like tossing your inner nature (and your marriage) into this crucible that refines out the dross. Over time it has forced my husband and I to grow more into the kind of people we eventually hope to be, shedding the bad parenting and relational models that we worked from at first. This was after a pretty tough adjustment period though... but I can't imagine having lived our lives without this huge opportunity to grow and stretch ourselves.
Okay, new baby awake and 2 little girls clamoring for attention- no time to be more coherent with this ramble.
(Oh, and for how we function with 3 kids now- yeah, too many DVD's- bleh... still working on that one!)

[Tulip]

* If you want to comment publicly, go ahead. It's your blog!
* It's okay to edit your self-image as you age & aquire wisdom, My Friend. In fact, if you don't continually make adjustments to who you are you'll become a rigid cut-out, not a dynamic woman. What's the point of living a life & having experiences if you don't allow them to change you? Personally, I'm glad I'm not the woman I used to be. I'm glad my psychological self-image has changed over the years; how can a 20-something or even a 30-something woman be able to set in stone how the rest of her life is going to be or how she's going to think about things? I used to believe a lot of things were certain ways. No longer. The older I get the more I realize there are many shades of gray, and very few shades of black or white.
* I've kept quiet about DVD's or videos because I didn't think you were open to hearing about it.
* I've kept quiet about medication because I think that it's good to go through times of mental agony & turmoil. It's good to really examine who you are and what you stand for. It's good to have a crisis now & again so you can break the chains that bind you and grow.
* I'm with you on the shock at the large numbers of moms at TC who are medicated. It frightens me, if you want to know the truth. I do not agree that "anything" that makes you more calm/patient is a good thing. The end does not justify the means, hence your accurate pot-smoking analogy. I think it's good to learn to develop inner calm & patience from within.

[ccw]

I am not a doctor and didn't stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night, but I don't think you need meds. (And for the record, I would be the one to say it publicly in the comments if that is what I thought)

Reading your blog, you seem like a "normal" person dealing with the daily ups and downs of life and parenting. Some days are better than others and your blog shows that. Your honesty is what I enjoy about your blog; you say how you really feel as opposed to the standard "good" or "fine" people give face to face.

[Moxie]

I think no one suggested meds because your reactons aren't out of proportion to your situation. If you were like, "Boy I can't wait for this long hot summer with my three crazy-ass four-year-olds!!!" then we might suggest meds.

I had no idea you were anti-TV, but even a great DVD only works for so long, so it's more of a Band-Aid than a real fix. I can say this having watched Mary Poppums for the 47th time this week a few hours ago.

A British bank is run with precision....