Wilder has two Barbies. Well, one Bridal Barbie and one Ariel. He asked for the Bridal Barbie for Christmas from my sister, and my brother gave him the Ariel doll for his birthday. Unlike the girls, whose interest in changing their Barbies' dresses is minimal (everyone asked for Bridal Barbies from my sister for Christmas, and everyone got Disney Princesses for their birthdays: Cinderella for Gemma and "Bulan" for Elba), Wilder carefully changes Ariel into the wedding dress at night, and when he doesn't leave Barbie naked, he puts her into Ariel's mermaid costume. All three kids find this pretty funny: Barbie is a Mermaid, they yell.
Barbie is also scaled slightly smaller than Ariel: the bikini top keeps sliding off her breasts.
Wilder also has a doll cradle in his room. He got that for his birthday from us, when the girls received the ironing board and clothes hanger they requested. (I'm pretty sure the girls asked for these items because of We Help Mommy, because I use my ironing board to store clean laundry, not iron it. I consider ironing a massive waste of time.) Wilder was far more interested in his new "hot lava planet" Star Wars toy than his cradle, but he did tuck his doll into bed that night and has pointed out how cozy it looks several times since then.
Anyone interested in doll cradles without lots of curlicues or pastel paint should check out eBay, there seem to be ten or twenty finished-wood cradles from which to choose, and we got ours for under $30 including shipping.
Now I'll grant you that Wilder has never displayed the typical profile of masculine preschooler boyhood. He continues to love his sparkly dress and before Ben Kenobi won his Halloween heart, he insisted I buy him a Belle costume. (I flirted briefly with making the Kenobi costume, and when Wilder saw the Leia dress on the pattern envelope, he threw a massive tantrum because I hadn't bought the fabric to make it. He even threw the entire envelope into his bathroom trash can, only to ask Calder sotto voice later to retrieve it.) He sits quite contentedly to listen to any number of girlish books. He engages in long hours of interactive imaginative play with his sisters, almost all of which revolves around weddings and babies and cutting off Yoda's head.*
And yet, I'm here to tell you, my son Wilder is all boy. After all, he has a penis and testes, he produces testosterone within the normal range, he qualifies. He is all boy.
It's "Kid of the Day" time at preschool, so each child has had a day to bring in a poster, and provide a craft, and set the theme for the day. Elba's theme was Cinderella, not just because we have read every version of Cinderella in the library but also because we saw the Cinderella exhibit in downtown Minneapolis at Christmas and it was phenomenal. Gemma's theme was fishing at the lake, because she loves fishing, loves that Calder loves fishing, and loves the lake. Wilder's theme was Star Wars, because the kid is obsessed with Star Wars. When he's not changing Barbie clothes in the dark, he's playing elaborate games of Star Wars, complete with chapters. ("I'm finishing chapter three now, Mommy!" "Uh, okay." Yesterday, one of the teachers started humming the Star Wars theme to Wilder as he signed his name at the door, and he stared blankly up at her. I had to explain that he's never actually, well, seen the movies. Then I came home and dug out my own fifteen-year old CD of the music for the kids to listen to.)
It's been fascinating to watch the other kids react to their friends' choices. "Barbies are for girls," some of the little boys say with disdain. "Boys hate princesses," one of them practically sneered.
Why does this matter so much to them? It certainly doesn't seem to matter to the girls: they were all enthusiastically playing with the Star Wars toys yesterday, blasting things and swinging light sabers with gusto. The little girls are far more flexible than the little boys, there's just no question about that one.
I know that kids are playing around with what it means to be a boy or a girl during this stage of their development. I know that preschoolers (heck, all little kids) have intense passions -- often fleeting, but powerfully intense. But I'm going to risk some controversy and say that I assume some of these little boys' powerful revulsion to gender-transgressing preferences comes from the adults around them. Directly or indirectly, they are getting the message: Mommy or Daddy or Grandma or any combination of us do not like it when you show an interest in those kinds of toys. Don't play with those girly toys or we will have to fear your future sexual orientation. Be a real boy -- do it for us.
No wonder some of them are swinging those pretend guns and swords with such gusto. Sublimation indeed.
Some of you are going to point out that older siblings can impose gender rules as stringently as any drill sergeant. You're right, absolutely. But doesn't that just beg the question, why do they care so much?
The fact is, it's not always easy for me to let Wilder go his own way with these Barbie preferences of his, and not just because Barbie is sort of icky. (Although, she looks almost innocent compared to those loathsome Bratz.) There's a lot of not-so-subtle bragging going on when mothers talk about their sons, even when it's disguised as apologetics. Oh, my son just turns everything into a gun. He won't play with any toy that isn't an action figure. He's so into sports. He never picks up his toys. He is all boy.
I have the little boy who not only doesn't turn everything into a gun, he needed me to cover his ears so he could cover his eyes when we watched "The Wizard of Oz" on my uncle's big-screen TV at Christmas-time.
He needed this protection when Dorothy sang "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."
Today, Wilder had some birthday money to spend at Target, and for about ten minutes, he wanted very much to get the Barbie Annika doll. Elba chose a Barbie Pegasus book with a bookcard she received for Christmas, and much to my dismay, we've had to read it at bed repeatedly. So the kids all came by this interest genuinely. Indeed, Gemma came home with the Brietta doll. But I kept pushing all the kids about this choice, not just because it was an impulse decision on their parts' (Elba eventually settled on a Strawberry Shortcake doll instead of her Annika) but also because I couldn't quite imagine that Wilder, being a boy, would be happy with it in a few days.
What real boy would prefer Barbie for more than a minute? I confess: that was running through my mind. And there is no way that my son, whose entire biological imperative since infancy has been to figure out how to get and keep my attention and approval, doesn't -- at some level -- know that. He knows that I'm struggling against some pretty idiotic biases, even after all these years of telling myself how idiotic they truly are.
There's no way that all our [typically-developing] kids don't at least subconsciously know our hesitations, our hiccups, our out-and-out rejections when it comes to their preferences and their desires. Some of our kids don't care, some of their passions are so powerful they're worth the parental disapproval, but they know. Of course they do.
Wilder ended up choosing the new Prince/Beast doll from the Disney section, which made me happy not only because it's more of a boy toy (albeit one that I bet very few boys receive) but because Wilder has, in fact, been talking for months about wanting a Beast. All afternoon, he's been struggling to put on the Beast costume over the Prince's body, combing the Beast's hair, and putting on the Beast's shoes. At bedtime, he consigned the Beast parts of the doll to the attic, so he wouldn't have bad dreams. Then he put on his Star Wars music and played another chapter of Star Wars in the dark, while Barbie and Ariel and the Prince lay at the foot of the bed and watched.
I am so lucky. My kid is all boy.
*Okay, awkward transition/extraneous extra topic, but am I the only one deeply disturbed by the worship of Darth Vader by today's generation of children? Because this is just fundamentally perplexing, and very, very wrong.
[Update: I'm going to respond to comments via comments, to make it easier for me to respond at all. And also because I feel like there's a high potential for me to say something silly and better for y'all to be able to call me on it publicly.]
Re: Vader, I have no problem with people who - having obsessed over all 6 movies - decide that Vader is the most compelling of all the characters. But you're right, there does seem to be a glorification of Vader-the-badass (rather than an appreciation of the complexity of the whole Anakin/Vader dynamic) among lots of kids today. When I was a kid playing Star Wars with my friends, nobody wanted to be Vader, simply because he was the bad guy. Now, his badness makes him more attractive. It's perplexing, you're right.
Posted by: Angry Pregnant Lawyer | January 31, 2006 at 10:20 PM
Scruffy is terrified of the talking Vader toy at the big box toy store, but then he has never seen it in any other form.
He plays with Barbies with Sunshine, and he loves his babies. He also loves Thomas the Tank engine and Rescue Heroes. He has never turned anything into a gun. The girls never did either. I think it's bullshit for people to think boys just do it spontaneously. He does show more interest in motion toys (like cars) than the girls did, and is completely focused on puzzles. He can do a 200 piece one in about 2 hours. He will be 4 in April, so I think that is pretty remarkable. The girls showed zilch interest in any kind of puzzle.
One of my bf's sons was a little boy who loved dolls. He was a kindergartner who watched Martha Stewart and followed her craft ideas. He used to say he wanted a house with a chandelier. He cried when his sister wore a turtleneck with shorts and said it was too ugly to look at. We all assumed (including his parents) that he was probably gay. No one cared. The family has several openly gay friends. I said I silent little thanks he was born into this family who would completely accept him. Today he is a senior in high school. He is on the basketball team and swim team. He has a long term girl-friend, and his mother was horrified to find issues of some Maxim like magazine under his covers. He rarely showers and is a damn slob. So when he was a kid, I went by stereotypes to assume he was gay, now I do the same things to assume he is straight. It's nuts. I just know he will be loved no matter what.
Posted by: Lisa V | January 31, 2006 at 11:26 PM
Yikes, they do? They like Darth Vader? That is very scary, and one more reason I'm determined to protect my child from 'mainstream' America. I do believe there are hardwired gender differences in little kids, but I don't believe they are about nurturing and dolls. It's pretty depressing to think how many little boys are subtly encouraged to sublimate their nurturing impulses. Girls have it easier at this point. When they 'act like boys' they're cheered on, at least a little.
Posted by: Maria | January 31, 2006 at 11:42 PM
Our son also plays a lot with the "girl-toys", and is very fond of My Little Ponies, Polly Pockets, Barbies, and Care Bears.
He recently took a Barbie to kindergarten for Show and Tell, and was crushed when the other kids laughed at him. All three reported this at the dinner table, that "everyone laughed". If the teacher said anything comforting about how boys can play with dolls too, none of them remembered that part. I felt badly for him.
Our son also enjoys Hot Wheels cars and Thomas trains, but the girls don't play with them as much. I think it would be different if we had 2 boys and a girl - then perhaps the cars and trains would be seen as the most desirable and coolest toys, and the girl would spend more time doing those things. But I'm sure some of it is just personality and natural interests.
So far I haven't set up any play dates for our son with other boys from kindergarten. We seem to be busy at home and with activities for all 3 kids together, and the kids always have each other to play with. Maybe it would help him to spend more time with the other little boys, but I'm not inclined to rush into gender-separate play dates. I'm sure it will happen soon enough, and I will regret the innocent younger days of free play.
Posted by: SheilaC | February 01, 2006 at 01:03 AM
I only have two boys, so I don't have the range of experiences you have, but I remember thinking recently that my boys had more options than the girls of my acquaintance. If we have a fancy dress party, every single girl comes dressed as a fairy or a princess. The boys don't make as much effort, but come as a motly assortment of their favourite characters (Bob the Builder, Buzz Lightyear, pirates etc etc). Still all boy characters, but a lot more variety to choose from.
Posted by: Jennifer | February 01, 2006 at 04:21 AM
The girls both chose princess costumes this year, but insist they're going as Annakin (not Vader -- and of course that's why how this generation manages to like Vader, because they spend so much time thinking about Annakin) and Obi-Wan next year. We'll see. I do know we aquired more than enough princess dresses during sales this year not to plan to buy any next year. And that's _without_ having seen any of the Disney movies except for Cinderella.
It happens that the girls definitely set more of the tone of day-to-day play here, partly because there are two of them and partly because they've got that girls' brain development going for them: their verbal/reasoning skills are slightly ahead of Wilder's. (By the way, Lisa V., that sort of intense and successful interest in puzzles at such a young age -- especially in a boy -- is one predictor of giftedness.) So there is more of the small-doll imaginative play than I bet there would be if we had two boys and a girl. On the other hand, the Matchbox track has been popular for years and I think I've mentioned the Thomas obsession in the past.
Their default favorite game is some variation on dress-up, where they either pretend to be the Littles, the Star Wars characters, some weird combination of fairy-tale people, or whichever book people we've read about lately. They received Legos for their birthday and that comes out every day. And there are Playmobil pieces (some City, some Knights, some Fire Rescue) EVERYWHERE in the attic. Mixed right in with the Sweet Streets. Which brings us back full circle to small-doll imaginative play.
What I was noticing wasn't so much the variety of play itself (although it happens that, in the kids' preschool class, far more girls play with the "boys' toys" than boys play with the "girls' toys," and that became strikingly obvious around this kid-of-the-day stuff), but rather the enforcement of these rules by the kids. I haven't heard a single girl try to shame another girl for liking "boyish" stuff, but quite a few of the boys are trying _very_ hard to prevent the other boys from playing with "girlish" stuff. It's distressing, not least for the reason SheilaC points out.
Luckily we have preschool teachers who didn't bat an eye when Wilder asked them to label his "people" picture in September, "Wilder getting married to Johnny Appleseed," and luckily none of the little boys avoid Wilder when he wants to give them big hugs (as he insisted his "best friend" do after he scraped his chin on the playground on Monday), and my kids also have each other to stand up for what we teach at home, so they at least have that defense for now. Not so much next year, when they'll be in separate classes, but my kindergarten anxiety merits a whole post of its own.
Lisa V., I remember you mentioned that neighborhood boy the last time Wilder's gender-bending preferences came up. And Shannon at Peter's Cross Station pointed out that gender is very much in flux for a long time, or so she believes. And I find that, unlike 18 months ago, I have less need to imagine what Wilder's behavior now might predict about his revealed orientation(s) later. I'd just rather that he lived in a world where the innocent act of liking Barbie didn't merit such scorn.
Then again, there are all sorts of things that get kids mocked and bullied. And so far, Wilder shows a rather refreshing (especially for self-conscious me) indifference to other people's opinions.
But I'm still struck by how harsh a lot of the boys can be about enforcing these gender rules they have. It's quite striking.
Posted by: Jody | February 01, 2006 at 07:23 AM
I was one of those Star Wars-addicted little kids back in the 70's.
Back then, at least in our circle, the kids who were all drooly over Darth Vader were the ones that the rest of us thought were a little -- off. Everyone (including me) wanted to be Han Solo or Luke. Darth was the creepy bad guy, and someone had to play him, but it was no fun to always lose!
*****
"But I'm going to risk some controversy and say that I assume some of these little boys' powerful revulsion to gender-transgressing preferences comes from the adults around them."
****
I really beleive this too.
My daycare provider is a Muslim, an immigrant from Pakistan. While my son was in her care, for some reason her home daycare was a little Boys Club - she had few or no girls for at least a year of his time there.
But she had the girl toys. And while you might think that someone coming from her background would have been busily imparting the "these are boy toys, these are girl toys" - she didn't. Maybe it was that she was just confident that as boys, they were *already* little boys, and were going to grow up into boys, and this was ordained and so didn't need to be shaped through toy selection. And the upshot was that these little boys were playing tea parties and trying out the dolls. In this atmosphere where there were no girls to *compare* their play to, and no pressure to play with one set of toys or the other... there was much less stereotypical "boy play."
Posted by: Sara | February 01, 2006 at 08:58 AM
I always wonder how these kinds of issues would play out for me if we have a boy. I like to think that I wouldn't go pushing a "boy" agenda on him, but that stuff is so deeply engrained that just being gender-neutral would probably be a real struggle. I like reading your posts about your thought processes. The post about the halloween costumes is one that I still really remember.
Posted by: AmericanFamily | February 01, 2006 at 09:58 AM
Before D's party last week, T and I were taking bets on whether there would be a gender distribution in whether the kids (and parents) asked for "Max's mud cake" or "Ruby's cupcakes." There wasn't, at least that we could tell.
Posted by: Elizabeth | February 01, 2006 at 10:08 AM
I was at a friend's house recently and her neighbor and son (4 or 5 yrs old) came by. Between the two of them, 2-3 gender comments (no, that's not for boys, etc.) were made in the space of two hours, which I thought was very odd. When my friend's son came down with his sister and another girl who was there playing, the two girls had been playing dress-up and were declaring, "I'm the queen!" and Max, getting in on the fun, claimed queenship as well. My friend and I laughed, and the other woman laughed too, but had an odd look on her face. Then later, Max was wearing his sister's boots, and my friend said, "He really is the queen!" and the neighbor...was uneasy.
I thought it was very strange. But you're right, some of this comes from the parents. I've seen it in my family as well, although not so overtly. Jamie's too young for this to be an issue, really, but he does have his own "dolly" and I really enjoy how affectionate he is with his stuffed animals. Just as much as I enjoy how much he loves to play with anything on wheels.
The really odd thing is, while my dh is really NOT "that" kind of guy, he'll still refer to things as boy colors/not boy colors, boy toys/not boy toys. It's just SO ingrained, and I have to remind him that colors are colors and toys are toys.
Now, my main beef right now is, every store has these cute valentine's day clothes for girls, but nothing for boys. Just because V day is about hearts and pink/red, that can't be translated into a boy t-shirt?
Posted by: Ally | February 01, 2006 at 10:16 AM
I've noticed this too. As the parent of a girl, it's less of a direct issue for me. But as a society, we are far more comfortable with girls being boyish than boys being girlish. Tomboys are perhaps a bit suspect, but generally tolerated. Sissies, however, are absolutely totally unacceptable. I don't think we will come anywhere near approaching true gender equality in adult society until it is OK for boys to explore the "feminine" (whatever that means). The notion that there is something wrong with a boy doing "feminine" things subtly (or perhaps not so subtly) reinforces the notion that there is something *wrong* with girls and this in turn devalues women. I mean, one of the worst things you can call a man is a "pussy". I'm not saying that boys should be forced to play with dolls against their will, but that we should be aware that boys are trapped in some ways by social roles even more than girls.
I hope you'll forgive me for plugging my own blog, but further thoughts on this are at
http://republicofheaven.blogspot.com/2005/07/boys-and-girls-in-toyland.html
and
http://republicofheaven.blogspot.com/2005/11/deconstructing-pbkids-catalog.html
Posted by: Mrs. Coulter | February 01, 2006 at 11:02 AM
The more I see of it, the more I think that preschool is most analogous to junior high in its primary function: ruthlessly socializing children to acceptable peer-defined norms. Of course, the peer-defined norms are built from two parts parental influence and one part marketing. Really, when did it become necessary for preschoolers to have gendered winter coats and boots?
I think my son is using his self-perception of himself as an "artist" to explain the differences between what his peers think boys should do, and what he wants to do. But he's also sensitive to fitting in. His pink girl dragon is his favorite at home, but when his school had "bring in your favorite stuffed animal day" he brought in his stuffed shark, I think because he knew it would impress the other boys. He wasn't lying -- he does love his shark -- but he's making choices to minimize conflict when he can.
In his school there does seem to be a lot of pressure exerted against the girls to keep them out of "boy things." He came home one day announcing that girls didn't like trains, only boys do. This despite the evidence provided by his train-obsessed baby sister!
Posted by: Phantom Scribbler | February 01, 2006 at 11:27 AM
Watch me hog your comments...
"Really, when did it become necessary for preschoolers to have gendered winter coats and boots?"
And it starts at birth. I'm not talking about blue and pink clothing, but again with the holiday-themed clothing, you can buy the exact same halloween-themed outfit at old navy for boys/girl babies, except the girl shirt has ruffles and the cargo pants are flared. Is this REALLY neccessary? And I'm sure part of it keep you from handing down clothing across genders - heaven forbid if your girl's shirt isn't ruffled, or if your boy's is. But to assume that girls prefer ruffles from birth (and I was a v. girly girl myself) is assinine. And condescending.
" I think because he knew it would impress the other boys. He wasn't lying -- he does love his shark -- but he's making choices to minimize conflict when he can."
It's interesting that you put this in terms of "minimizing conflice," because I wonder, a certain amount of this type of social awareness is healthy I think. I mean, yes, your son *should* have been comfortable taking the pink dragon, but with that not an option in his mind, I think it's still ok that he had another, well-loved, option. And impressing one's peers is such a strong drive. Even with no pink dragon as an option, he probably still would have had the reactions of the boys in his class in mind when making his choice. Don't you think?
Posted by: Ally | February 01, 2006 at 11:37 AM
I have a bit a girly boy myself, and am ashamed to say that I have at times struggled with it. A lot of my kids friends are girls, but somehow I am conforted that his best friend is a boy.
I guess wouldn't say my son was "all boy," but I would say he is very gentle and caring and imaginative boy.
Posted by: patricia | February 01, 2006 at 01:14 PM
Good discussion- I struggle with this issue from the "opposite?" perspective. My son is totally into guns and weapons and is very definitive that certain toys and clothes are "too girly." He is an only child and I think he gets a lot of his gender expectations from the other boys at school. But even when he was smaller (he's 5 now)- he wanted nothing to do with dolls. He is affectionate, likes to give hugs, and occasionally plays with stuffed animals, but why is he so obsessed with fantasy play that involves knives, guns, etc.? He sure as hell didn't learn that from me or my husband. At 3 years old he would eat his toast a certain way and then hold it up and say "Look Mommy, its a gun"- ugh! So while I think there is some societal pressure re: to act like a boy vs. being allowed to "express their softer side" (for lack of a better term)- I still think a huge chunk of our kids' tendancies are just hard-wired.
Posted by: Leggy | February 01, 2006 at 01:52 PM
Phantom, I think you are onto something with the preschool thing. Scruffy comes home and talks about Power Rangers and Spiderman, even though he has never seen a second of either show or movie, never read a book or comic book with them. He insisted on being Spiderman last Halloween. The only place he could have gotten this was from his boy friends at school. We sometimes talk about how he comes home "reeking of testosterone" on preschool days, and is more laid back on the days he doesn't go. I don't know if it's just playing at school with kids his own age so he gets wound up, or if it's playing with other boys.
Posted by: Lisa V | February 01, 2006 at 02:23 PM
Interesting discussion. My brother has three sisters and no brothers. When he was three or four years old, his favorite color was pink. We all thought that was hilarious. He turned out okay in the end.
Posted by: ALG | February 01, 2006 at 02:24 PM
PS- I am comment hog aren't I ? It goes both ways, my younger daughters won't cut their hair short "because they will look like a boy. "
Posted by: Lisa V | February 01, 2006 at 02:24 PM
My 9 year old ds admitted to me the other day that he "likes some girly stuff...like the Winx Club...just don't tell anyone, like my friends at school". I'm just glad he doesn't let peer pressure dictate everything he watches or reads or wants to play with (although it is too bad that the "girly" thing he mentioned is sooo trashy and rigid in its gender roles itself).
What really shocked me was last summer, when my 3 y.o. dd took off her shirt to run around and pretend swim in the house. My parents who were visiting were totally freaked out and uncomfortable, and kept commenting how little girls (3 year olds!!!?) need to keep their shirts on. Mind you, this wasn't even a public pool or our yard - it was in our own house. My mom did give me a pair of "boy tennis shoes" for my dd, though, so I guess she can be flexible in some small ways.
Posted by: Sandy | February 01, 2006 at 03:15 PM
My seven-year-old son has been weapons-obsessed since he was around 4. Right now he's all about Star Wars (despite never having seen the movies) and light sabers are the weapon of choice, but he has all manner of guns, swords, etc., and plays with all of them. When he and his best friend have a playdate, both of them wear camoflage and their play is all "missions" of one sort or another. I love the fact that he's so into pretend play but I'm less thrilled about the weapons aspect of it.
Posted by: terrilynn | February 01, 2006 at 04:06 PM
It's too hard to try and get over your own biases and let your kids just "be" I think. The Moosh is really gender neutral at this point, but I think that's more my influence than anything. Since he is an only child, he doesn't have other kids to take his cues from. I think Wilder is just going with the flow in that he's got two sisters, and I get the impression that Gemma is kind of the dominant child in the group (correct me if I'm wrong!), and he's taking his cues from his siblings who he's grown up with forever. I certainly notice that when my only child is with girls he does what they do, whether it's running around the room ro playing with dolls. We had older boy over to the house today for playgroup and he and the Moosh spent 45 minutes sucker punching each other.
This is a really long winded way of saying that I think Wilder is JUST FINE, you shouldn't beat yourself up for not being able to accept his girly qualities, and you should feel free to let him express himself.
Posted by: Lisa C. | February 01, 2006 at 05:33 PM
great post. i may comment more later. i am sick, and feel like i need more time to think about this one. thanks for making us think
Posted by: instamom | February 01, 2006 at 08:53 PM
by "i am sick", i mean that i have little brain energy at the moment...not that i am sick because of the topic
Posted by: instamom | February 01, 2006 at 08:54 PM
Ack. Er.
I really do want to respond to all your great comments, to say that I'm being challenged by the variety of experience, to say that Wilder does engage in certain kinds of violent play that the girls don't to the same degree (although: there's a lot of aggression around here lately, and if anyone has any suggestions, I'm open to them). I want to bemoan the entire clothing situation, and to say that we had girls request princess cake and boys request Star Wars cake and both kids not care as long as it was cake at the party. I'm somewhat comforted that there are boys who impose their gender rules on girls out there in the universe, because that's at least a little more consistent (even though still regrettable as far as I'm concerned).
BUT -- my dissertation advisor got back to me and I have a deadline for my damn prospectus. So I'm going to pound out another quick blog post on another topic that's been keeping me awake after lights' out, and then I have to get back to it. Believe me, I'm sure to revisit this issue again.
Oh, and it's Elba who runs the show around here (although I'm really loathe to put that label out there, even though it's true -- for now, in most contexts, with certain caveats) and we have started to deal with the playdate/birthday for boys only problem. Just in the last month. It's a curious one to navigate, but at least it's easier than one of the girls being invited somewhere when the other one isn't. If we can just get to kindergarten and three separate classrooms before that one happens, I'll be immensely relieved.
Posted by: Jody | February 01, 2006 at 09:58 PM
I posted a bit about this on 11D after I followed your link. My son (a year older than Wilder, and an only child) seems fairly gender-free in his likes and dislikes, which I'm glad of. He likes books with girl heroes, especially if they do the rescuing, since it bothered him that in the Disney movies the girls mostly don't rescue (Mulan being an exception). He likes Leia because she's "a girl who fights", but I think it's not the fighting aspect as much as the activeness he likes. He likes the Laura Ingalls Wilder books, though more so in the earlier books when there are adventures, but he's checked out the later books of his own volition.
He's not fond of Barbies (and he hates Bratz) but thinks Groovy Girls are fine. He has one doll, that he asked for a couple of years ago - "a baby doll with eyes that open and close". I got him a boy doll, and he calls it his brother - sometimes he's paternal, tucking it in and hugging it, and sometimes he tosses it around to show what gymnastics it can do.
He does very much like the superheroes that other boys in school are interested in, but we don't watch them on TV (most of the modern shows are too violent for my taste, though older SuperFriends might well be OK - I do TiVo Krypto the Superdog for him, and lately started TiVoing Kim Possible). Oh, and his current expressed favorite color is bright pink (like one of Daddy's post-it flags), though he's previously gone through purple, maroon, scarlet, brown, blue, and black.
I think Wilder is just fine. It's great that you're not pressing rigid gender expectations on him. Sure, some of his fascination with Barbies is that he gets a lot of it with his constant playmates, his sisters, and I see the reason you're a little hesitant about it. He'll bond with other boys over Star Wars and other things - J. talks with them about superheroes (and with boys and girls about Harry Potter), not about his baby doll or Laura Ingalls Wilder. He'll be fine, and will be a better adult for his understanding of female things.
Posted by: Genevieve | February 02, 2006 at 11:20 AM