I damn well blame the patriarchy, too

I forgot how exhausting Vacation Bible School can be.  I co-taught the Kindergarten class, 24 different kids ranging in age from older fours entering Pre-K all the way up to sixes getting ready for first grade.  We have the best run VBS program anywhere, made easy for the "teachers" because of the incredible volunteers who create activity centers to take the pressure off of us, but uff da, I'm exhausted.

After I completely messed up a playdate plan this afternoon, by forgetting the after-VBS picnic and luring a friend and her son to our end of the region but not being there myself (I am really irritated with myself, even though I was also too tired to think straight by mid-afternoon), I dragged the kids home via stops at the big-box store for more blueberries (we eat so much money in fruit this time of year, we practically have a fruit budget -- and jo(e) writes that it's only going to get worse, which seems hard to believe when your kids devour two pounds of blueberries in the time it takes to read two chapters of The Long Winter) and then the Payless ShoeSource across the street, because we were overdue to buy new sandals.

Did you know that Payless didn't make a single athletic sandal for "youth" girls (wearing sizes 10.5 to 4.5) this year?  All our old "girly" sandal standbys, Dora and Strawberry Shortcake and Disney Princess, are only available in toddler sizes, through size 12.  Once girls reach kindergarten, however, their mainstream sandal choices narrow down to a few strappy sandals -- most of them with small heels -- or flip-flops.

How did I not notice this?  All week long during VBS activity time, we had four- and five- and six-year old girls tripping over cement walkways and running too carefully through the grass as they tried to negotiate athletic activity while wearing flip-flops.  This is probably a peak age for the embrace of all things girly, and when these girls go to buy shoes, they no longer fit into the clunky Princess sandal that gives them enough traction to climb trees, kick balls, or just climb a standard set of stairs without worrying about walking right out of their shoes.

No, instead they find a light-up Princess thong.  They find an entire shelf full of flip-flops, espadrilles, and thongs.

There is one single youth-sized rugged sandal marketed to little girls at Payless.  It has a one-inch heel.

Meanwhile, the little five- and six-year old boys find the necessary flip-flops  (almost all of which have more rugged soles than the girls' designs, designed actually to cushion their feet while walking) but also eight separate styles of sport sandal on-line, as well as two more styles (Star Wars and open-toed fisherman) in our local stores.

Needless to write, all three kids in my family came home with sandals from the boys' section of the shelves.  Because I am not buying my children shoes designed for outdoor activity that restrict their ability actually to be active.  But how long will I be able to get away with this?  Can anyone offer me a guarantee that I'll be able to negotiate these gender landmines as successfully as Miriam at Playground Revolution seems to be doing?  What will I say in two years, if flip-flops are still the rule for girls, and my girls need to fit in more than they need to be able to run and play?

I'm a feminist, all evidence to the contrary (yes, I'm activity refusing to write about Linda Hirschman, not least because when it comes to the substantive argument, Charlotte Perkins Gilman beat Hirschman to the punch), and I am mad as hell.

Granted, I've given up wondering why Stride Rite doesn't offer some non-sex stereotyped shoes for preschoolers.  I'm a mother of preschoolers, so I know that Shannon is correct when she writes that gender is "a tool of self-expression, rebellion and desire."  My kids desire those girly, boy-ey things as much as the next kid.  (Although they do, from time to time, delightfully refuse to conform their desires to the gender suggested by their sex.) Let's face it, I should just be grateful that Stride-Rite builds their athletic shoes for boys and girls on the same sturdy framework.  Fretting about the rule that dictates boys wear construction trucks and sporting figures on their shoes, while girls get hearts and butterflies, seems superfluous in the face of the tyranny of flip-flops.

Then again, as the mother of children not straight-jacketed by gender, I do believe there might be a good market for shoes decorated with trees, sports equipment in a variety of colors, or a bug motif that included butterflies and grasshoppers (in real-life colors, not girl-signalling pastels).

And while we're on the subject, what is going on with children's clothing?  The symbolism of turtles, as much as it baffled me four years ago, seems positively quaint after you've spent a few years contemplating the mainstream clothing choices for grade-school girls.  Can anyone explain to me the mysteries of children's clothing, whereby little girls' t-shirts have tiny cap sleeves and are constructed of fabric so flimsy, they'll be buying a new style before the season is half-over, while boys' t-shirts are three times thicker and cover half their arms?

In the absence of any better explanation, I am going to blame the patriarchy and concede the point to my jaded, bemused-by-my-naivete neighbor.  Her explanation for the bizarre quality standards setting girls' and boys' clothing apart?  No little girl can grow to adulthood in American without learning the cardinal rules of shopping.  Of course everything about girls' clothing signals the importance of buying new clothes as often as possible. The US economy might crash to a standstill, if ever girls started expecting to buy the thick cotton t-shirts over in the boys' and mens' departments.  Imagine what might happen, if my daughters' Target t-shirts had held up to more than a season's worth of washings.  Their drawers might be filled with two-year old t-shirts, as their brother's are -- and we certainly can't have that.

I'd like to write that I've given up wondering why preschool girls need to show all of their thighs while wearing shorts, but preschool boys get to ward off cancer-causing skin rays with shorts that come down to their knees.  But it would be a lie.  Every time I think about this, I get a little apoplectic.  There is no physiological difference between the waists, hips, and thighs of preschool boys and girls.  What perverse set of sexual standards do we embrace when we teach our four-year old girls to show four times more skin than their brothers?

Have you ever considered how much more time girls have to spend getting ready to go outdoors than their brothers, because of the sunscreen issue alone?  Thanks to his t-shirts with actual sleeves and nice long shorts, Wilder is out the door and playing before I have either one of the girls fully slathered.

And the class issues: don't even get me started on the class issues.  We can afford to spend money on expensive clothes that avoid these gender problems, but most people are probably too busy paying for their houses and health care.  What percentage of US consumers can afford the girls' clothes from retailers who sell pink and purple shorts in a cut that comes down over their thighs (even if it's still shorter than the shorts worn by five-year old boys)?  We pay three times as much to get t-shirts and polo shirts in a rainbow of colors.  (It cannot be an accident that Land's End's pink and purple and yellow polo shirts sold out months ago -- there are a lot of mothers of preschoolers wondering why their daughters need to show more skin than their sons.)

I'd love to close with something articulate and moving here.  But really, all I've got is inarticulate rage.  Exhausted, inarticulate rage.  And not a little bit of fear about how to help my kids negotiate these issues for themselves, now that they're starting public school.

Comments

[Lilian]

Wow, What a post, Jody! No need for an "articulate and moving" conclusion. I've been having vague feelings and thoughts about these issues as I've walked through stores lately, but since I only have boys (4 and 2), I would have never really noticed about the absence of sensible sandals and the flimsiness and shortness of the clothes.
You have clearly and brilliantly articulated all the key points surrounding this issue.

You write: "No little girl can grow to adulthood in American without learning the cardinal rules of shopping. Of course everything about girls' clothing signals the importance of buying new clothes as often as possible."

WOW, just wow. As I walk through stores (without buying much because I really can't afford it), I can feel the "siren call" of those flimsy and cute clothes, and I'm glad I resist most of the time.

all right, sorry I wrote such a long comment, I could go on and on, this is an amazing post.

[stefan]

Yep, we know the feeling. I'm impressed you even try Payless. And no flip-flops for our kids either.

I do think it ought to be possible to sell decent girls clothes at a profit in the US --- are people like us a vanishing minority? I cannot believe that, we must be at least 10% of all parent and probably more than 10% of all income, so why not sell to us (and not just at three times the price). I cannot see economies of scale being that massive.

[Lisa V]

Great post. I got the girls some sandals at Target that were sports sandals, but I think that was back in April. I actually have the same complaint about women's shoes at Payless. We have been looking for some "sports sandals" for Mallory to wear in Costa Rica. Teva's and their ilk are all $90. We looked at Target, Payless, all over for a knock-off. None. But plenty in men's shoes. Finally on a second return to Payless last night, we found some for $25. Exactly what we were looking for. The gentleman selling them to us actually told us how lucky we were, because they fly out of the store in 24 hours. I told him if they were so popular , perhaps they should stock more. He looked at me perplexed.

I have always bought the kids used but quality stuff, or on clearnance. We also would venture into the boy's department for stuff periodically.

It's funny, your complaint about shorts is the same as Mallory's. She asked if we could shop in the boy's department because the legs were longer. They didn't fit her well. She is curvy (14 years old). We went to REI and bought a couple of pair of expensive shorts that she was comfortable in, and then to Target for carpri's.

Walk into Hollister and see what teenager's are being sold- we call them denim underwear instead of shorts. Thank god my girls are as disgusted as I am and won't buy anything from there.

[Sandra]

Girls' clothing doesn't get any better as they get older. My 13-yr-old daughter chose all her summer shorts from the boys' section this year. She chose long boys' basketball shorts and cargo shorts that reach to her knees. She also chose basketball shorts that coordinate with her swimsuit top and plans to make the shorts part of the bathing ensemble. She asked me why boys' swimsuits go down to their knees and girls' suits don't even cover their butts. She's worried her gym teacher won't let her wear the shorts during swimming class, but she doesn't want to wear a suit that shows her ass and the tops of her legs.

[Eliza]

Re the shoes: what about Tevas for athletic sandals? We buy them specifically as water shoes for negotiating the rocky beach, but they are excellent as rugged run-able sandals. As for flip-flops, they are dangerous. Nothing better to ruin a summer than a twisted ankle or broken toe.

[jo(e)]

Great post. I hate it when I see a girl sitting quietly on the sidelines because she's wearing some kind of girly shoes that don't let her run around the way the boys do.

Rigid gender roles start early.

[Elizabeth]

Thanks for the guide to the mysterious world of girls' clothes. The things I'm missing out on...

yeah, I'd be pissed too.

[Suz]

Because my boys are still little, all I've noticed is how everything made for them seems to be either blue or feature some sort of machinery. Even clothes made for young boys stress power and motion while that for little girls convey images of softness and passivity. It's interesting that at one time the colors were reversed, with pink assigned to boys and blue to girls. The roles, however, were not. At one point, boys wore pink because it was thought to be the stronger color. It's somewhat frightening, although not unpredictable, to know that the stakes just get higher and the differences become more pronounced as they get older.

[Naomi]

I bit the bullet this year and went to Famous Footwear instead of Payless or Target. Molly (who just grew out of toddler sizes, and is now in the almost-impossible-to-find size 13) tried on a dozen pairs of sandals and chose a nice, practical, almost-gender-neutral pair of leather ones. She found the sport sandals uncomfortable.

Kiera, who's two, is in hand-me-down sandals this summer. I tried to buy her a new pair but couldn't find any she liked enough that I thought she'd favor them over the too-large hand-me-down Finding Nemo sandals with the blinky lights. Fortunately, we got a pair of extremely practical hand-me-down pink canvas sandals, bought two or three years ago at Target, from a friend. They fit her perfectly and conclusively demonstrate (to me, anyway) that it's NOT just my imagination -- the toddler sandals really were better a couple years back.

This stuff drives me batty. You know what else makes me crazy? Clothes for ME. Dorky or not, I want some pairs of cargo shorts cut for a woman's hips and waist. I need pockets, dammit, and all the shorts I've found that fit me, have a waist that sits on my waiste, and give me some thigh coverage, seem to lack pockets.

[patty (awesmom on flickr)]

My daughter is now 10, and I remember the same problem when she just grew out of the toddler sizes. And it's not limited to sandals! Try looking for comfortable dress shoes without a heel for your five year old. I remember looking around Payless and becoming incensed that the little girl shoes were just knock-offs of the adult shoes.

What is really ironic...I can find those kinds of shoes for ME.

[Angry Pregnant Lawyer]

Rage on, woman! I'm right there with you, and I don't even have a girl. But I think back to when I was a young girl and what I wanted most was to shop in the boys' section, because they had the skater shirts and shorts that I could actually ... gasp... play sports in!

And you wouldn't believe how many people told me, when I informed them that we're expecting boy #2, "Oh, that's great, because he can wear all of [Angry Boy's] hand-me-down baby and toddler clothes." I always look at them quizically and say, "Um, even if it was a girl, she would've been wearing all those hand-me-downs. They're good clothes! And I'm not made of money!"

Sing it, sister. I'm hoarding LG's old shorts for Baby Blue, because I'll be damned if she learns that it's her duty to show skin this young. Makes me crazy. *I* wear boys' shorts and pants for that very reason.

And don't even get me started on the shoes. I ain't gonna wear shoes that I can't walk a comfortable mile in -- obviously I'm not buying less than functional shoes for my daughter.

But I'm not looking forward to when she's old enough to have to deal with these issues herself. Already there's a shadow on the horizon -- she's started talking about wanting Thomas underwear like her brother has....

[Lisa C.]

For those of you looking for girls' (and boys') swimwear with more coverage, I suggest trying www.solartex.com . We don't wear skimpy suits at my house because of the sunscreen issue. I ordered a swim T-shirt and pair of shorts for myself and my son and they fit wonderfully and I don't have to spend a lot on sunscreen. Of course, they are far more expensive than your standard suit. Sigh.

[Tulip]

Thanks for the heads up!

[liz]

Stride Rite does have gender-neutral youth shoes, they come in brown, blue, or white and are generally (sigh) on the boy's side of the store.

Nordstrom's has reasonably-priced gender-neutral clothes, though we just missed their half-yearly sale.

LL Bean also has stuff on sale often.

But, yes, the apparel industry truly is horrid to little girls.

[liz]

LL Bean is actually having a sale on girl's shorts right this minute!

[liz]

And Land's End has good sensible gender-neutral sandals for $17.50 the pair. Also available in pink.

[Rayne of Terror]

We went out to dinner last night and I noticed as the kidlets were playing that all 5 boys had some version of an ethletic sandal on in brown, while the 5 y/o girl had on a strappy espadrille w/ a 1 inch heel. I was sitting there thinking how can she possibly be comfortable in that. It didn't take long before she was barefoot.

[Sarah]

For shoes, my daughter at 4.5 is already in the size 13- size 1. She lusts after the toddler shoe characters and lights. My luck so far has been Kohl's (it's expanding every year so if you don't have one, it's coming.) and Sears--the Lands End shoes are great. I like Lands End too, but I hate buying shoes un-tried on.

And I sort of have the reverse complaint about boy shorts. My son is a very thin 2 year old. I like shorts that come above the knee. I hate the baggy shorts...on me, on my daughter on anyone. No, it doesn't need to be cut two inches below the crotch, but let us enjoy summer for the few weeks it comes to Wisconsin. After seeing baggy cargo shorts over and over, I finally dug out his sister's shorts from two years ago and put him in all of the neutral colors. (of course, I may feel differently if his waist actually held up the shorts...all shorts and pants are baggy on him.)

[timna]

We stock up on teva sandals when we're in Israel. They have fun sandals for girls --they're sturdy and colorful.

Maybe zappos.com?

[Sawa]

To get around the girls tee, etc. being so fitted, I buy my 4 year old DD size 7/8. That way, it's not skin tight (and it last for more than 2 months).

I third Teva sandals. It is really great, and comes in adorable prints, and double as water shoes as well.

[shannon]

OMG.

We got her shoes in StrideRite tonight and just about hurled at the "girl" choices. You know I don't have a problem with "girl" stuff per se, but I'd rather she not walk around in shoes that make her look like she accidentally stepped in a wad of bubble gum.

We got navy blue ones (on the "boys'" shelf) and I'm going to get her some of those green pastels with pink flowers from Robeez so she'll have a pair to match her girlier clothes and a pair for everything else.

I was dismayed at the lack of even different SHADES of pink--let alone of any other color...

[Leggy]

This is a great post. I wonder if there is a way to send the link to Target, Payless, LLBean, etc.- the comments especially add to the voracity of complaints. Sometimes its hard to know where to go with this stuff, I wish there was a clear path to voicing dissent like this in a way that could really be heard.

[Mary]

We buy sandals like this for my daughter. http://www.saltwater-sandals.com/
She's 9 now, and has worn them forever, she can run and bike and everything in them, and I can get them on sale for under $20. And I buy most of her clothes from Lands End. I feel your pain.

[amy]

Jody, wow. This is an amazing post. Other things that drive me nuts: why such pale, easily-dirtied clothing and shoes for girls? And why do most brands of girls' underwear not have tags in the back, while boys' do? My daughter wears her underwear backwards all the time because it's so hard to figure out which way they go (unless she's wearing one of her several pairs of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Teen Titans underwear--which only are made for boys).