Relentless

Lately the work of housekeeping and parenting has felt exhausting and relentless.  This makes no sense, because the kids are in school five days a week.  But almost every night, I collapse into bed, worn out with the never-ending round of managing our finances, looking after our house (we had a huge leak in the bathroom and merely being home for the repairs has irritated me), planning and preparing meals, remembering to integrate other people into the meal preparation, gently guiding those people to clean up after themselves, and being aware of their interpersonal challenges so that I can help them problem-solve without imposing my will from above.

I thought, by the time the kids were in third grade, they would be more independent.  I didn't realize we would still need bedtime charts, that they would still need to be walked through the clean-up process (by which I mean, given deadlines with consequences or timer-beating games or nagging loud-voiced orders to pick up the Kapla already), that they would still pick fights with each other at the drop of a hat.

Who knew that having a witness while you're losing a Webkinz game would make you inspire you to scream and wail that the witness had bitten your shoulder-blade, even when adults were present in the room and could see with absolute certainty that the witness was two feet away from you at all times?  Who knew that you'd scream at the grown-ups for not punishing the witness for this attack?

I'm tired of being the manager of three people's worst impulses and emotions.  I'm tired of walking the line between feeling empathy for a person's bad day and teaching acceptable standards of behavior no matter how rotten you feel.  I'm tired of being told, whenever one of my kids feels bad, that I'm a bad mom.

Intellectually, I understand that this is eight-year old projection.  Objectively, I understand that I have to use those moments to teach better habits.  But personally, it's really hard not to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head.

Comments

[AmericanFamily]

Wait a minute, are you telling me they are still going to be acting like this when they are 8??? When does it end?

[Andrea]

Amen, sister! My kids are slightly younger (7 and 5) and there are only two, but you've captured my mood on so many days lately. The daily slog is different than it used to be when they were tiny, but it's still very much there.

[landismom]

Um, not when they're ten, unfortunately.

A big ole' amen to this post!

[elswhere]

Yeah. The crabby mornings are getting less frequent, but even this year MG will sometimes wake up more or less spewing invective at us, and I'm always stunned at how much it takes it out of me and affects my whole day. I know I shouldn't let a 9-year-old's expressed opinion affect me so much, but it just wipes me out.

[mommymel]

amen! people keep asking me if it's easier now that my kids are older? Wasn't it just 'Awful' and how did you manage when they were babies? THAT was a piece of cake. Third grade/eight years old? Kicking my butt all over the place. HARD.

[Jennifer]

I actually just spent two nights in a hotel to get away from the relentlessness of my almost 5-year old. What I intellectually understand as a parent and how I actually feel as a person are often in conflict. Intellectually I know that just because my 4.5 year old does not respect my need for 30 minutes of quiet time where nobody touches me it does not mean he thinks I am a meaningless person with no right to my own needs. Duh. He's four. He just wants to play with mama. But emotionally it triggers something else entirely. The constant counter-play of what I know as a mother and what I feel as a person with problems of my own is what exhausts me to the bone and beyond. So I ran away from home for 2 nights. Seriously. Is it just one thing after another until they leave for college??

[chichimama]

A close friend once told me that she had a sinking feeling that parenting never got easier, it just got different. I think she is probably right. I really thought having both kids in school would make things easier, but it didn't. The meal prep and such is killing me this year as well. Gah, wht can't dinner make itself?

[YankeeT]

Being long in the tooth as I am, and with a healthy history of difficult parenting years, I can promis you with certainty that the time will come when you will look back on this stage and wonder where the hell the time went. While they're dragging you through hell, it seems like an eternity. When they're sending you a link to their college senior page via Facebook (or whatever the medium will be in 13 years) you will see these days whizzing by your face in a blur. Hang in there. I'm sure you're doing a great job, and it IS the hardest job in the world. But the payback is oh-so-sweet. Know that "I love you" goes a long, long way.

[YankeeT]

er, that's "promise" not "promis"

[Michele S]

Yeah. More to look forward to!!! (Said in my most super happy sarcastic voice.)

[Andrea]

I hear you.

I only have one, and she's not-quite-six, but I hear you.

[Carla Hinkle]

I think since all your kids are the *same* age, you don't have any younger, needier ones to directly compare to. I know for me ... I think, hey, my 5 year old still needs me to tell her to brush her teeth, pain in my ass. But then I think, hey, at least I'm not wrestling her into her PJs every night after bath like I do the 2.5 year old. It's all perspective ... :-)

I do think having 3 all the same age would be hard in a different way ... like a perpetual play date where you need to referee, b/c the kids are so comfortable w/each other they feel free to annoy the crap out of each other (and you). Plus you have 3 bouts of homework to supervise, 3 lunchboxes to get ready, blah blah blah blah blah ... The whole proposition really IS exhausting.