Parents of Multiples, Help Me Out

There seems to be some surprise at the idea that people could say "I'm sorry" and mean it sincerely when they find out I have triplets. In fact, it's just been suggested that I'm flat-out misinterpreting the comment. So let me assure you that this sort of comment is not unusual in the least.

The typical rude response to triplets during the baby-and-toddler years was of course that old classic, "I would kill myself." Which, yes, the speaker doesn't appear to mean literally. Perhaps there's even a backhanded compliment implied: "You are tough enough to handle a situation that would overwhelm me." But it is still an awful, awful thing to say to any parent. We can agree on that, yes?

And mothers of triplets hear it all the time. Followed closely by "you poor thing." And yes, "I'm sorry," too. They are really, really common phrases that all sorts of people feel free to say to perfect strangers pushing triplet strollers. I was only surprised to hear the words at this stage of the game. The only real trouble with three pre-teens is the lurking realization that they'll all be gone to college far too soon.

Mind you, back in the good old days, I might have preferred the sympathetic expressions to the relentless inquiries about the kids' conception stories. "So, in my circumstances, you'd kill yourself, but you're not asking me how many people saw my vagina before I got pregnant? Thank you." And the kids being older does seem to have shut down the inquiries about my ovaries.

For the record, the last time someone said I'm sorry and meant it, I mildly observed that we had thought we might never have children so actually, I thought I was extremely lucky. The fact that I mocked the speaker on my blog was not a representation of how I actually behaved.

Meanwhile, I stand by my original assertion: people do say rude, awful things about triplets. Parents of multiples: am I right?

Comments

[niobe]

People are stupid. People say stupid things.

It's not at all the same, but people say horrible things about my twins whenever I mention them (which isn't frequently).

Things like: "Everything happens for a reason" and "They probably would have been handicapped anyway" and "I would never be able to handle losing one of my children."

It would be kind of nice to hear "I'm sorry."

[Melody_NC]

I have fraternal twin girls via IVF and people definitely say stupid things. I do think you get more of the irritating comments when they're babies/toddlers and I definitely received my share of the "better you than me" comments when they were babies. Definitely annoying when after dealing with IF I would have sold my soul to the devil for a baby and certainly felt blessed to have twins.

My girls are different heights/weights and one is brunette, brown-eyed and the other blonde, blue-eyed so people don't initially realize that they're twins. The comment I get now which irritates me is when people find that they're twins they always ask me "Really?!?" (or something along those lines). Do they think I'm lying or just spinning a tall tale? I have been known to say, if feeling particularly cranky, "Yes, really. I was there when they came out of my vagina."

[Catherine]

Oh my goodness, yes. My boys are almost 5, so the really stupid comments have dwindled. Of my three, two are identical and one is fraternal. The fraternal is smaller than his brothers because he has some growth issues, so everyone assumes that he is a year or two younger. I still get "I'm sorry" a fair amount. What drives me even crazier is people who express amazement that I work, full-time, in a relatively demanding field. I don't see how it is any different from working full-time with three kids of different ages, and they don't ask parents of singletons that.

[Teri]

@Niobe - the thoughtlessness and casual cruelty of some people is staggering. Also, it's lovely to see you posting. I miss your blog, and I still have some of your photos that you sent people one year hanging in my office. I get lovely comments about them regularly. I think about you frequently.

[liz]

I generally try to limit my stupid comments to, "WOW!"

[B.A.]

Yes, you are definitely right. I don't know if I've ever heard "I'm sorry" but I've definitely had expressions of sympathy. And "that's my worst nightmare" from a college friend when he heard we'd be having twins when my oldest was 2 1/2. My twins are now four, and we mostly hear "you have your hands full" which is true.

[niobe]

@Teri: You just totally made my day. Thank you for your kind words.

[Linda]

I think the comment from yesterday bothered me so much because "Lighten up! It's a joke!" was something that girls said in junior high and high school to cover up their mean passive-aggressive comments. If your comment offends someone, you apologize, not blame the other person. So that rubs me the wrong way because of my own history.

However, if you think of other momentous and exciting but challenging life occasions and then "joke" that you're sorry, I think you can see how much of a jerk thing it is to say.

"I'm getting married!" "I'm sorry!"
"I got accepted to medical school!" "I'm sorry!"

I mean, I think we all would think, "What a dick!" if someone said that in those situations.

I get a lot more comments now about having 3 girls than I do about having twins and sometimes I take the comments like they're a joke and joke back in a way that lets people know their comment was rude and unnecessary. Like the "better you than me!" or "that's my worst nightmare!" comments that I have definitely gotten (about twins AND about 3 girls). I like to say, "Well, yeah, with YOUR genes it would be awful! MY kids are wonderful!" with a wink and a smile. My husband likes to say seriously, "Yes, it's hell on earth. I'm thinking of getting out. Can I sleep on your couch?"

I also go with your response, Jody, and say honestly and sincerely, "I am SO THANKFUL to have them. We are so very lucky." And then I've had people be surprised at THAT. Like, really? You're not depressed about your twins?

[carosgram]

So sorry my comment offended anyone. I must admit that it is shocking to me that anyone could possibly consider having children something to be truly upset about. To me having children is the most miraculous and happy occasion and to have two or three or even more at the same time just multiplies the joy. I guess I was wrong - at least in some people's eyes. It is just outside my experience. Because I see it as something wonderful I couldn't imagine anyone else saying something like, "I'm sorry" as anything other than a joke.

[Michele S]

My all time favorite comment was "It must suck to be you." To which I replied, "Probably not as bad as it sucks to be your mother."

[Rayne of Terror]

I am a twin and I've still said stupid things to parents of multiples :D